Personal space in a relationship; Is your too partner distant or too clingy?

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35239-20150918  How much personal space do you need in a relationship?  The concept of personal space in a relationship is an important concept, and at the same time it is not a very easy one to figure out at times. While considering how much personal space you need in your relationship with your partner, you need to first examine the security of your emotional bond with your partner, and then consider the balance between time spent for yourself and time spent together.

Many psychologists believe that an adult love relationship is a version of the bond between mother and child. Based on attachment theory by John Bowlby, we form bonds with our caregivers as soon as we are born and in an adult love relationship we have the same needs for being cared for emotionally. A safe and secure attachment between the mother and the baby allows the baby to have a secure base from which she/he can explore the world. In the same manner a securely attached couple can maintain their personal space and pursue their passions,while having a satisfying emotional connection. If you feel that you cling to your partner to the point that it is hard for you to give them their space or if you feel that you avoid emotional connection with  your partner and constantly maintain a distance, your attachment might be an insecure type.  These two kinds of insecure attachment are called anxious and avoidant attachment.

Securely attached couples can enjoy the time spent together and pursue other activities with peace of mind when they are apart from their partner.  However, insecurely attached couples demonstrate behaviors of clinging or avoiding.  If you feel that it is hard for you to give your partner space, this could be a sign that you are anxiously attached to your partner. If that is the case, look for the feelings that are underneath this pursuing behavior and see what your fears are. Are you afraid of losing your partner? Are you afraid of being abandoned by your partner? Do you feel jealous a lot?

On the other hand, if you find that it is very difficult to be emotionally close to your partner,  and find other ways to soothe yourself, instead of turning to your partner when you need comfort, again look deeper inside and see what feelings lie beneath the avoiding behavior. Do you feel that your partner is incapable of comforting you? Are you afraid of showing your true feelings to him/her? These could be signs of avoid ant attachment.

If you find any signs of an insecure attachment it is recommended that you seek therapy and uncover what goes on for each of you when you get stuck in repetitive behaviors.

However, if you can not identify any signs of insecure attachment, there is still a chance that you do not have enough time to spend for yourself.  If you have a secure relationship, you can communicate your feelings clearly, and you will be able to come up with a solution to restore balance.

You may start by looking for your passion and what truly moves you. See if you like to create something or learn something new.  Spend more time building your support network and nourish your friendships. Give yourself permission to spend time apart from your partner if you need it and be open to discuss your feelings with one another.

Secure attachment is the root of healthy independence, and the health of your relationship depends on a secure attachment as well as a good balance between time spent for yourself and time spent with your loved one.

 

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How to meditate?

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Research shows that meditation has a lot of great benefits for the body and the mind, such as lowering blood pressure, lowering stress levels, improving the quality of sleep, anti-aging effects and so on. However, there are many different ways and techniques for meditation so finding a simple and practical answer to the question “How to meditate?” can be challenging for many people.

I have practiced many different techniques of meditation. Some meditation methods are smiler to relaxation exercises. In some methods you are encouraged to repeat a mantra to silence the mind. In some other you should breathe in certain ways or visualize certain things. Some teachers encourage you to follow your visions and some teachers say visions are not important. Some techniques encourage to clear your mind from all thoughts and some other encourage you to observe the thoughts like passing clouds in the sky.  Although all different techniques seem very different, they all can have great benefits.

Although there are various methods, it is important to know the reason behind a certain technique so you can choose what is best for you.  If you want to feel calmer and more focused many of these techniques could be beneficial. However, if you want to practice mastery of the mind you need a technique that does not involve any visualizations or mantras.

But why is it important to gain mastery over your mind and what does it mean? You must have noticed that in many situations you know what is best for you but you end up doing the opposite thing. For example, you know certain foods, drinking or smoking are harmful, you know saying certain things will trigger your loved ones and will hurt them, but you  can’t help following the demands of the ego. The condition of human being these days is that for most of us our minds run our life. The mind is a very powerful tool and when its control is in your hand you can achieve great things, but when it is out of control it can be destructive to self and others. Therefore, in my opinion one of the main goals of meditation should be mastery of the mind.

If you want to learn how to meditate in order to improve the mastery of the mind you can practice a simple mindfulness technique with normal  breath. You just need to sit in a quiet place. You can set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes. Sit in a comfortable position with your neck and back straight. Then start noticing your breath. Bring your attention to natural  breathing and only to your nosetrils. Notice how the air enters your nose and how it leaves your nose. Pay attention to the details of breathing with your eyes closed. As soon as you decide to keep your attention on the breath your mind wonders. All you need to do is to bring your attention back to breathing gently without getting disappointed.

You will find that you have to redirect yourself again and again. You have started training the mind and it is not an easy process. You might start feeling agitated or sleepy. These are all normal reactions because your mind is not used to staying in one place and listening to your orders. Normally the mind runs the show , jumps from one thing to the next without you being able to stop it. while you are meditating you are claiming your power back. If you practice repeatedly your mind will calm down and it will become easier to stay with the breath for longer stretches of time. Over time, you ll experience greater awareness and greater control over the mind.  You can increase the time of this practice to 30 or 60 minutes a day. The more you practice, the greater results you will see. And if you want to experience a transformation in your life I suggest that you take a Vipassana course. You will find more information in dhmma.org.

 

 

 

What is meditation and why meditate?

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A simple search in search engines reveals a great deal of information about meditation and mindfulness. Some regard mediation as a mental focus on a special image, word or idea and some refer to it as the training of the mind to be able to stop thinking for a short while and be present. Although there are many different kinds of meditation, all seem to point to the fact that we can influence our mind by not identifying with the thoughts and feelings that pass through our mind. In many Buddhist teachings we learn to be the mere non-judgmental observer, without being taken over by what comes to mind and identifying oneself with the content of the mind.

I believe that intent and motivation behind any practice or activity determines the results of that practice or activity. Therefore, it is important to know why you choose to sit still with closed eyes rather than spending time Watching TV, being with your friends or family, etc. While studies show that meditation can reduce stress, lower blood pressure and cholesterol, make your sleep much more peaceful, and has anti-aging effects, these are only a few physical health benefits as meditation can have tremendous effects on the level of peace, joy and happiness you experience in your day to day life.

Mindfulness techniques help you feel the joy of living in the present moment and experience the world through all your sense perceptions rather than being lost in thoughts of future or past. Present moment is all we have after all, but our mind convinces us that the future or past are more important and there is no time for enjoying the moment. The mind controls us and uses us, rather that us being able to use it. With meditation we find that it is possible to turn off thinking if we intend to and that is the beginning of true liberation.

You do not have to be religious, spiritual or follow any special rituals to be blessed by the benefits of mindfulness exercises. As a result of regular practice, you come to experience an inner joy ,which is not comparable with the pleasure of having material things, status and admiration, or even happy relationships. This immense joy arises from a deep place within you, when you have gone beyond your mind and experience “being” in the world, as a particle of this vast universe, not separated from it by obsessive thinking.

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How does therapy work?

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Psychotherapy  is a unique tool for change and self-discovery. You might know you need to change something in your life in order to live more peacefully and more happily, but it is not always easy to change what you are familiar with and step into the unknown.  A good therapist can always help you go though these kind of challenges easier.  When you start your therapy, your therapist will help you identify the problems you want to work on and set achievable goals for your sessions. You might change your goals over the course of therapy ,but having clear goals will help you and your therapist know what the focus of the sessions should be. It also helps to measure the outcomes.

Another benefit of therapy is getting to know yourself and becoming more authentic, so that you can live life as your true self.  The process of self-discovery can be difficult at times, because it pushes you to face your blind spots and experience some uncomfortable emotions. Although the process of growth is never easy, having a passionate and kind person alongside of you, will help you tremendous,because it gives you enough courage to take the priceless  journey of self-discovery, The journey you will never regret.

Get in touch with your true power

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Have you ever wondered if therapy is for you?

Studies show that all types of therapy can be helpful, when your therapist can build a trusting relationship with you, in which you feel you can open up your heart and share anything without fear of being judged.

It takes time to build such a relationship but once you have established this type of secure relationship with your therapist, you have a safe space to explore your psyche and get in touch with your totality, embrace the aspects of yourself which you repressed before and experience a sense of freedom. Only when you integrate all aspects of who you are, you are in touch with your true power.